Breaking the Silence: South Asian women and the Culture of Silence

We’ve all heard it, haven’t we? That age-old advice dished out to South Asian kids:

“Children should be seen and not heard.”

While it was meant to instill respect for elders, it often led to a generation of women who struggled to find their voice.

As an Islamic Life Coach helping Muslim women their emotional intelligence, I often come across clients who have forgotten what their own inner voice sounds like. It's been drowned out by the noise of their ancestors, spouses or parents and in laws.

Your inner voice is incredibly intuitive and can often be the guiding light sent from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.

The Culture of Silence

Growing up in South Asian households, we were often taught that speaking up was disrespectful, a sign of rebellion. We were expected to be seen and not heard, to obey without question, and to prioritise the needs of others over our own. This culture of silence has had a profound impact on how we navigate the world, our relationships, and even our own self-worth.

For example, not all adult relationships require us to remain silent, so how can we navigate these relationships and speak up when we don't have these skills within us to begin with.

The climate we live in today, needs us to have a healthy connection with Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala, now more than ever. In facing the challenges of being raised in countries that may not be predominantly Muslim and having the wealth of information at the source of our fingertips, we need to understand the deen on a deeper level. We need to learn the basics, fulfill the obligation of gaining knowledge and apply these principles to our lives, we cannot just follow blindly anymore. Healthy communication gives us the confidence to challenge deep rooted thoughts, values and beliefs so that we can grow in understanding. Coming from households where questioning beliefs and values is thought of negatively, can mean we often stray further from the path of guidance and are too afraid to find our own answers.

Prioritising the needs of others has the profound impact of leading to people pleasing behaviours often at the expense of our own mental and emotional health. By far this is one of most damaging behaviours because over time it becomes impulsive and you don't even realise you are doing it. Combine that with the stress and overwhelm you feel at having to live up to the expectations of others, it's not a healthy or happy way to live.

The Missing Link: Emotional Intelligence

Beyond the suppression of speech, there’s another issue that plagues many South Asian women: the lack of emotional intelligence. We were taught to prioritise the needs of others, to be selfless, and to suppress our own feelings. For a long time, suppressing our own feelings has been labelled as 'compromise' and the true success to happy relationships. the reality is that whilst these relationships may be 'happy' they are certainly not healthy and the root of explosive emotional reactions, venting and shouting is often these suppressed emotions trying to come out.

These often admirable qualities, they can lead to emotional turmoil if not balanced with self-awareness and emotional regulation.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, use, and manage our emotions effectively, in a way that positively impacts our lives and the lives of others. It's about being in tune with your feelings, communicating them effectively, and building strong relationships.

Just from this you can see then the impact of emotional intelligence in being able to learn more about the triggers that cause you to react and the reasons why someone else's behaviour may also be becoming reactive.

The Impact on Our Lives

The combination of limited communication skills and underdeveloped emotional intelligence has had far-reaching consequences for South Asian women. Many of us struggle with:

• Conflict avoidance: We often find it difficult to express our needs and boundaries, leading to resentment and unhealthy relationships. The most common indicator of this is starting sentences with 'You' and finding blame on others. The lack of self awareness about our own behaviours, and unmet needs make it easier to become reactive and fall into conflict.

• Low self-esteem: Constantly suppressing our voice can erode our self-worth and make us feel invisible. There will be so much internal dialogue about who we want to be and how we want to live our lives but it will be hidden deep within our thoughts, making us feel like we will never get there.

• Difficulty in building relationships: Effective communication is the cornerstone of strong relationships, and without it, we may find it challenging to connect deeply with others. The connection we build through compromising and people pleasing remains surface level and affects the emotional attachment we build with others.

• Lack of inner peace: When we're not able to express our emotions, they can fester and lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.

The Qur'anic Perspective

Islam, however, offers a different perspective. We are taught time and time again both through the treatment of others and the example of the Prophet Sallahu Alayhi wa'Salam, who was the kind and compassionate in all his interactions,that good character is held in high esteem.

The Qur'an encourages us to speak with wisdom and kindness;

If the relatives, orphans, or the needy are present at the time of distribution, offer them something from the provision and speak to them kindly.

[Surah An-Nisa, 4:8]

This is an interesting one because often we feel like we are the kind and compassionate ones but it is not being met by others. Here is something to ponder on; are we being kind and compassionate to receive it or are we being kind and compassionate because it's the right thing to do? This will change how you communicate with others and will often be the one thing strong enough to hold you back from reacting and blaming and even at times encouraging conflict.

Islam also emphasises the importance of seeking knowledge and understanding;

And Allah brought you out of the wombs of your mothers while you knew nothing, and gave you hearing, sight, and intellect so perhaps you would be thankful.

[Surah An-Nahl, 16:78]

In fact, the Prophet Muhammad Sallahu Alayhi wa'Salam encouraged women to seek knowledge and education. He said, "Seeking knowledge is an obligation upon every Muslim, male and female." This hadith empowers us to break free from the shackles of silence and embrace our potential.

In becoming emotionally intelligent, you increase in confidence, calm and clarity which helps fill your life we positivity, peace and purpose.

Breaking Free from the Silence

It's time to reclaim our voices, sisters. It's time to embrace our power and potential. By developing our communication skills and emotional intelligence, we can not only improve our own lives but also inspire those around us.

Remember, from finding a life partner who you can connect with deeply, to raising emotionally regulated children to having a strong bond with Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.

My 5-day course, "How to Communicate for Healthier and Happier Relationships," is designed to help you unlock your inner voice, build confidence, and navigate life's challenges with grace and resilience. We'll explore practical tools and techniques to improve your communication skills, manage your emotions, and create healthier, happier relationships.

It's time to step into your power, sisters. Let's break the silence together and create a new narrative for South Asian women.

Remember, your voice matters. Your story deserves to be heard.

Sign up for the 5 day course here.

By investing in yourself and your communication skills, you're not just changing your life; you're inspiring generations to come. Let's create a legacy of strong, confident, and empowered South Asian women.

We always love to hear from you,why not email us at [email protected]